Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
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Post by Drache on May 24, 2007 13:48:43 GMT -5
Phelanth calls all to the Council Room.
The golden voice crept quietly into Corra's mind as she sat on a stool, back leaning against a wall. She was in the infirmary taking a short break from helping to change bandages on the numerous burn victims, both human and dragon. It was a never-ending job and the Healers were taking all the help they could get. There were so many of them and some had not made it through the night and the Weyr was still at risk of losing more pairs. The Healers were especially concerned about Zramuth and Mariska.
Corra's hair was disheveled, her skirt stained with ointment, sweat, and blood and she had not slept much. Looking down at her hands folded in her lap, the Jr. Weyrwoman finally answered her gold. Let Kyparla know that I might run a little late. I need to get cleaned up and changed. Heaving herself off the stool, she let one of the Healers know she was leaving and then trudged outside to begin the walk to her weyr. Would you like some help? Nodding gratefully, Corra looked towards Eileith as she glided down to land near her. Corra was so tired.... Eileith was as well. The gold had spent all night calming down hysterical and injured dragons alike. Once her rider was aboard the gold lifted off to their weyr. As Corra slid down to go change upon their arrival, the gold spoke to Savath. Mine will be slightly late. She is cleaning up and getting changed. Let me know when the meeting starts so I may tell her.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
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Post by Drache on Jun 25, 2007 13:13:23 GMT -5
Corra jumped at the sound of glass shattering and walked quickly around a shelf to where she had heard the sound come from. "Are you ok?" She examined the mess on the floor and was realieved to see that it was only a couple jars and some records that had been knocked off. This was the shelf where the numbweed was stored. If the man in front of her had knocked off any of those jars, she would have personally seen to it that *he* was the one in charge of replacing what he had ruined. That was not the case however, so she kneeled down in front of the man and took a handkerchief out of her leather belt pouch. "Let me get the glass, you don't want to cut yourself." She swept a few pieces of glass into a pile with the handkerchief and then looked at the errant man. Oh sweet Faranth... it was L'nuo! Or was it A'sero? She got the two names mixed up occasionally since she didn't really know either men personally. Well, whatever his name was, what was he doing in the store rooms? And doesn't he have just the most beautiful eyes... Stop it Corra! Corra gave L'nuo/A'sero a shy smile back. "I was just dropping off the fresh numbweed we've been working on. I wanted to finish up with the project before taking a break." Shaking the cloth gently to get rid of any glass shards on it, she began to dab at the records with it. They were soaked. Corra let out a sigh. "These records are ruined. Some lucky Apprentice is going to have fun doing an inventory." And then she would have to double check them. Great... she had finished one onerous task just to be thrown into another one. She was a little ticked and the innocent expression on the rider's face wasn't helping.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
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Post by Drache on Jun 20, 2007 18:55:39 GMT -5
After four days of preparing and cooking it, Corra was more than happy to be putting the freshly made and nasty smelling numbweed salve into the storage rooms. Sure, the task of storing it away could have waited until after lunch, but Corra was eager to be done with the whole activity as quickly as possible. She had pressed three drudges into her service and they followed her to the Infirmary's storage rooms, each carrying an armload of pots containing the smelly but necessary salve. She had picked up two other drudges along the way who were delivering two bolts of freshly woven bandages from the Weavers. The fabric needed to be cut into strips and then folded before being put away. Corra herself was not empty handed. She was also carrying a pot of numbweed in one hand, along with a small jar of ink in the other and a pen tucked behind her ear.
Entering the storerooms entrance hall, she directed the cloth-bearing drudges to lay their bolts down by the Apprentice, who sighed in despair at having yet more bandages to deal with. The three drudges carrying the numbweed put their pots down next to Corra's on a table by the door that lead to the largest storage room. Once everything was set down safely, she dismissed the drudges and then went to turn the handle of the door but it was already open. Hearing humming coming from inside, Corra briefly thought it was Kyparla, but she had just left her fellow Goldrider in the Great Hall. Besides that, the person inside was clearly on key with whatever they were humming. That was a dead give-away that it wasn't Kyparla. Bless her heart, but the Senior Weyrwoman couldn't carry a tune in a bucket.
Not bothering with the handle anymore, Corra pushed open the door and queried the aisles of shelves with a "Hello?" before stepping into the room.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
|
Post by Drache on Nov 11, 2005 13:36:15 GMT -5
...
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
|
Post by Drache on Jun 12, 2007 17:32:57 GMT -5
Approved.
You may begin rp'ing with her. Be prepared to make more changes if needed.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
|
Post by Drache on Jun 3, 2007 21:56:54 GMT -5
Delvion: capitalizations needed. Pets: capitalizations needed. 5’11” is tall for a woman. Shorten her a little plese. Personality: She’ll going the Harpers, sometimes. Her fear lessened after Fusth's first mating flight. What fear? History: capitalizations needed in 1st , 2nd , 3rd , 5th paragraph. How old was she when she was Apprenticed? When she found each puppy? When she Impressed her flit? Harpermaster = MasterHarper. Dragon History: dragon speech needs to be in bold. Please go through and bold all the section headings.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
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Post by Drache on Jun 2, 2007 20:28:28 GMT -5
Karwen, you may continue with your adoption of this character. Please make the required changes and then let us know when you are ready to have it looked over again.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
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Post by Drache on May 30, 2007 18:18:35 GMT -5
Places and titles need to be capitalized. Again, please check the list of words that needs to be capitalized. Family section.
Where exactly did she come across the puppy?
How old was she when she left for the Apprenticeship? When she came to the Weyr? When she Impressed the firelizard?
If she is only 14 and a rider, that means she Impressed at age 12. She would not have had time to raise a newly found puppy, or a second puppy or train a firelizard. Take that into consideration.
How are you spelling the gold rider’s name? Amoare or Amorae? Pick one and stick with it and then update her profile if need be. You spell it Amorae in the gold’s profile.
As a dragonrider, she would wear working leathers more than anything. She could wear the Harper blue in her spare time, but she is not really a Harper anymore, if she ever was one, so most likely wouldn’t.
Also, if she Impressed at 12 while on her way to be Apprenticed, she would never have really become an Apprentice Harper
How old is I’rai? Keep in mind that you say Amneris is 14 and has just hit puberty. Would she really have a steady relationship? She would not really have had time to create one during her Weyrling training.
Her voice may be nice, but based on the timeline I’ve read, it is untrained. Would everyone really be in awe of her voice? You have to let people’s characters decide on their own. Saying that everyone who listens automatically loves it is a little bit power-playing-like.
I stopped reading after the first paragraph of her personality. Look at the above suggestions, fix them, and let me know when you’re ready for me to look at the profile again. :-)
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
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Post by Drache on Jun 8, 2007 19:53:00 GMT -5
Lots of capitalizations needed throughout. Dragons talk in bold. Looks good though. :-)
Approved once more.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
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Post by Drache on Jun 10, 2006 0:12:10 GMT -5
This character is fine except for one inconsistancy.... I probably didn't spell that right, but oh well. In the dragon's history it says that A'bryn Stood 6 times before Impressing. Mention that in the history, as failing to Impress a dragon that many times would be sure to have an effect on him. Or, go ahead and get rid of that fact from the Duroth's Impression story. Besides that, I really have no problems with him. I approve him for play. Welcome to LW! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to talk to any of the mods or admin. We're more than happy to help.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
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Post by Drache on Jun 26, 2007 0:13:10 GMT -5
We aren't opening up the Northern Holds just yet. We want to get the Weyrs busy before we take characters for up North. He's really good and the only critique I have is that you'll have to change the color of his wife's eyes. No purple. If you want to redo this character for the South or just put him on hold for now, it's up to you.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
|
Post by Drache on Jun 26, 2007 21:14:22 GMT -5
"Lett, sweet Lett, is nineteen. The inpersonified Harper." That's not a word I don't think... what do you mean? I'm happy to see a pair of twins that aren't perfect. Normally we wouldn't allow them but since they're unique I'll let you keep them. Where does Sevyn fit into the familiy? Please remember that we break away from canon a little and don't use Pern heights. 6'5" is really tall for a girl of 15 who is still going to grow. 6'10" is also tall for her father. From what I've read so far, her personality seems such to me that she would be jealous over her second love choosing a close friend over her. Hearing that she was happy if he was happy threw me off... doesn't seem to fit. How old was she when this second love occured? Having never seen a dragon or a dragonrider before, how would she have known the dragon had said something to his rider? When dragons speak, their speech is in bold, when dragonriders speak to their dragon it is in italics.
"Nice to meet you," O'rion's voice suddenly dropped into a hoarse whisper. "Trevan, the Weyr is in grave trouble. I need supplies, any supplies. We are mostly wiped out." O'rion continued on with this story, which only he knew the reason for, finally getting Healer supplies out of his brother.
No. The Weyr would not be in trouble. Also, if O'rion is old enough to have a grown, married daughter, why has he not come to visit or contacted his brother since he Impressed so long ago? Seems to me he wouldn't come begging to his brother if he hadn't seen him in about 20 years.
If Sevyn is living at the Weyr, what does she do there? How has she adapted to Weyr life? How long has she lived there? How old was she when she was taken to the Weyr?
Also, Pathar, you say, is very cruel yet I see no mention of him in Sevyn's history. He would most likely have affected her life somehow. How did Sevyn get along with her family? What did she do at home? Was she Apprenticed to anything or was she being raised to find a good marriage?
Let me know when you want me to look it over again.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
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Post by Drache on Jun 26, 2007 20:45:34 GMT -5
Part of her Personality could actually go under Appearance. I'd like to see a little more in Personality. Patching up cuts at the age of 9 or 10... reasonable. Letting a 10 or 11 year old stitch someone up? Not so much. Would you let an inexperienced 11 year old give you stiches? Where was she trained that when she moved to another, smaller, hold that there was a different culture there? Where did she go after leaving the smaller hold and before going to Lateo? When did she become a Journeywoman Healer? A lot of capitalizations are needed.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
|
Post by Drache on Jun 20, 2007 17:57:28 GMT -5
Why did her parents have a heated argument about Apprenticing her to the Healers? How old was she exactly when she Apprenticed? Became a Journeywoman? There isn't really one true Healer Hall in the South. She would have begun training with a Healer near her home and then would have transferred after a few years to another Healer so she had a diverse range of experiences and Healing duties. What is her favorite thing about Healing? Gardening? Preparing herbs and medicines? Doing actual hands on Healing? The South is a little more liberal than the North, and Healing is considered a respectable occupation for a woman. Not many will make Master, but they are still welcomed to the Craft.
Please look at and use the format of the 'Auditions for Weyrfolk' profile sheet.
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Drache
Ordered Chaos
aka Ms. Picky
Enchanting my every waking dream...
Posts: 641
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Post by Drache on Nov 11, 2005 12:59:26 GMT -5
Player Info Name: Drache Contact Info: Look at my profile. How you heard of LW: Dizzy
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