Talking Dreams.

[shawncameron]

It was dark, a suffocating darkness without the hope of light. It always started this way, from the moment he woke up to the moment he closed his eyes for sleep again Killian was surrounded in blackness. He used to try and picture what everything looked like as he moved around, living out his days, but that too had faded with the turns, colors and pictures where for songs and dreams… but not all dreams where pleasurable.

It had been a normal day and Killian sighed slipping off his shirt and rubbing the notes out of his shoulders before falling heavily onto the soft bed. “mmm sleep…” he crawled under the blankest snuggling into the soft pillows as he always did as a child, there was just some things people didn’t grow out of… Nothing changed when he closed his eyes; it was still the same immeasurable darkness until his body and mind relaxed and he drifted off to sleep.

Slowly color started to seep into the blackness taking the form of two people, one himself the other… a faceless woman, small of stature and petite of frame. “Apricus…”

[E]

Apri rolled over for the hundredth time that night trying in vain some way to sleep. It was only a handful of days before they were going to leave Ista and she couldn’t help but find it harder to do so than it had been with the Harper Hall. Here there were few people who watched her, probably due to the emptiness of the hall, and she had been happy with that. It didn’t help that the happy memories of the past month that she had spent in Killian’s company kept coming back to her mind. She didn’t want to leave.

Sighing, she finally gave up as she pushed the covers off her. Dressed in loose pants and a simple tank, she was pleased to find herself not cold in the room. Walking to the balcony door, she looked outside at the gardens below as her mind wandered. She was soon shaken from her thoughts, however, as a soft voice came to her ears calling her name.

Jumping, she turned to find herself facing the door to Killian’s room. Biting her lips she stood silently as she tried to listen to more, her last experience of eavesdropping gone from her mind. When no more came, however, she wondered if she had heard it at all… But no. It had been clear… Was he… Did he know she was up and want to talk to her?

Moving to the door, she placed her hand gently on the handle ready to open it. But what if she had heard things? Deciding it was best to be careful she called out softly, knowing that if he were still awake at this late hour he’d easily hear it in the silence.

“Killian?”

[shawncameron]

She looked up as he had called her name and smiling Killian moved closer to her but the closer he got the more she faded until he was alone again. “No… I don’t want to be alone…”

Back in his room Killian rolled over on his side, whispering even as his dream self spoke.

He looked down at his own body, seeing bare feet and loose pants rippling in a slight breeze his bare chest exposed to the wind. He looked just as he thought he did as he had crawled into bed. Slowly grass started to grow around his feet, though it hand not color. He looked up to see the ocean, not blue but black, meeting a sky of the same color. No moon hung there, nor sun nor stars.

He was standing on the cliff edge, the same cliff he used to jump from with his brothers, the cliff he had shown Apricus the sunset from… the cliff he had fallen from. That same old tree that they had always hung their clothes and towels on was there, gray against the black swaying ominously in the wind that was blowing Killians hair about. “Not again… please don’t make me live it again…” but it was too late, it had started to rain, the wind picked up and he was falling, stuck in that tree that bit at him, reopening thousands of closed wounds as he struggled to cover his face with his bare arms.

In his room Killian jerked covering his face even in his sleep, rolling over to his other side and curling into a tight ball.

[E]

Just as Apri was about to give up, she heard him answer her, but it sounded strange. Opening the door, she was thankful for the nearly full moon so that she could see the layout of his room. What she hadn’t been prepaired to see, was Killian fast asleep on his side mumbling.

Frowning she walked closer, careful to be quiet, so that she might hear what it was he was saying: her curiosity getting the better of her. Hearing something about living again, she couldn’t help but find herself worried. What was he dreaming? Finding him jerking away from her and curling into a ball, Apri’s mouth fell slightly opened in fear. Was he alright?

“Killian…” She said softly, not knowing if she wanted to wake him or simply calm him, Deciding after a moment on the latter, she reached out slowly and laid a gentle hand lightly on his upturned shoulder, unsure of how she was going to manage calming him.

[shawncameron]

For what seemed like the thousandth time Killian hit the cold salty water, setting his open wounds on fire as his head exploded with a pain that made him wimpier in his sleep. Someone touched him, his brothers they had come to save him but Killian jerked away from the contact as in his dream the waves took him farther away from those saving arms.

The black and white world of his dream seemed to slow down as the first real signs of color seeped out from the cuts covering his arms and chest. He became like a wraith watch everything as it happened from above and yet feeling everything. “I’m sorry… Vinrin… Certain… forgive me…” he whispered to his older brother as he watched both him and Certain swim in after him. The water was turning red and soon that was all he saw before the seen changed.

In his room he relaxed slightly rolling back to his other side but still breathing fretfully.

He was still looking down on the seen, though he could feel every bump in the rode as he stat in the back of the caravan, alone listening to those talking around him. “Can’t even make himself useful.” “I hear his mother paid big marks to get him on this caravan,” “well that’s as it should be! He isn’t doing anything but getting in the way…” “Worthless waist of cargo space.” the little boy Killian as well as the Killian in his room brought his hands up to his ears holding them closed and shaking his head, “I can hear you… stop, please don’t say such things… I’m not worthless, I’m not…”

[E]

At his jerk away, Apri pulled her hand back with equal quickness, closing the fingers tightly as she held it next to her chest afraid of what she might have done. Standing there silently in the dark she listened as he asked forgiveness from his brothers. What was there that could need forgiveness?

Seeing him roll back over, she found herself wishing to calm his heavy breathing once again. There had to be something she could do! Reaching out, her hand shaking slightly this time, she hoped beyond hope he would not pull away again. Resting it slightly in the middle of his chest, she was amazed at the pace which his heart beat. There was no way this could be a pleasant dream…

Even with his heavy breathing and racing heart, Apri was not affected nearly as much as she was when she heard his next soft words. Worthless. That word not only rang thru the darkness, but thru Apri’s heart as well. She had grown up as a ‘worthless child’… but Killian? Who, even in a dream world, could have dared to call such a wonderful, thoughtful man worthless?

Finding a new need to calm him, to dispel this dream, whatever it was, Apri sat lightly on the bed next to him as she brought her other hand to his face, gently moving the hair from over his eyes.

[shawncameron]

The little boy was sitting in a ball, holding his legs, his eyes pressed into his knees. But then someone touched him again. Brushing the hair away, “Master Ayame…” Killians breathing relaxed just a bit as his muscles untangled themselves. The watching Killian sighed as the Harper woman picked up the small boy carrying him into the Healer hall, but then the seen changed again.

Killian watched a younger him wake up from the same nightmare he had just had, throwing the blankets off and hitting… the candle. “It’s burning.” Killian tried to warn the boy as white and gray flames quickly consumed the curtains and then moved onto the desk. Killian tensed again, he could feel the heat, smell the smoke but this is just what he thought it had looked like, when he was that child he could see nothing as he was pulled out of the room. “I’m sorry… uncle… mother… everything, everything from home is gone… I destroyed everything.”

His face burned again as he pulled away from that comforting hand even as the Healers in the hall tried to comfort him in his dreams, “don’t touch me I destroy everything…” he curled up again rolling to his other side and griping the pillow so hard his knuckles turned white.

[E]

Apri, try as she might, was only growing more confused as Killian first spoke of Master Ayame then something burning then apologizing to his family again. Gone? Destroyed? Was that what he had said was burning? Shaking her head, the young woman could only find herself befuddled by what the dreaming man spoke of.

Finding him pulling away again, she took both her hands back more slowly this time. Folding them gently in her lap, she felt her throat constrict at his words. She couldn’t help it as she felt the need to argue against it.

“Oh Killian… You don’t destroy anything…” she said softly. Wanting to reach out to him again, she hesitated. Twice now he had pulled away. Perhaps it would have been better for her to leave…

[shawncameron]

Once more the seen changed and Killian tried to will himself awake, what else would his mind show him this night? but this new seen was different some how… still black and white but, newer…
Splash
Killian jumped at the same time the Killian in the dream did, “Oh there is no need to apologize. I shouldn't have been moving so quickly.” It was not Killian who spoke but a girl, she had no face but the sight of her made his heart skip a beet, “Apricus…” she had color… beautiful brown hair and though her skin was pail it was not white like the snow. This was when they first met…

The seen changed; he was in a small room playing a song he had just written when the woman came in again and again lit up the room. “Milady…” but then the seen flashed to her pulling away from his ignorant touch, things seemed to go gray again, “I’m sorry…” it started raining. “no… not the rain… Please…” he had relaxed at the sight of the faceless woman he knew to be Apricus but again he tensed as he no longer saw but felt every time he had touched her, “I promised… I promised but I lied… how could I lie to her…”

But she had forgiven him hadn’t she? The ground began to move as pictures reformed, they where on the ship… she had forgiven him… but…

[E]

Just as the young woman decided there was nothing she could do, she heard her name escape those lips again. Another apology came as she leaned closer to hear his softer words, then came the rain. Rain? A promise?

One night flashed thru her mind, the night she had tried to comfort him thru the storm – quite similar to what she wanted to do now. It had rained then… That was the first night he had made a promise to her… was that what he was dreaming about? But how could something burning be in that?

Hearing him mumble about lying to her, she turned her face down, looking to her lap for answers as her undone hair fell over her face like his did so often. She wasn’t sure, but she had a feeling he was sleeping thru a nightmare… a nightmare about her… If she could cause such dreams, the least she could do was spare him from them.

Pulling her head back up, she reached out, gently touching his shoulder again as she spoke softly, half wanting him to wake and half hoping he would just drift into a more peaceful sleep.

“Its okay Killian… Its only a dream…” What was she suppose to do? What could she do?

[shawncameron]

“You lied…” it was Killians voice, but he had not spoken. He looked around only to come face to face with a mirror… how long had it been since he was able to look into one of those. There he was, standing bare foot and bare cheated, the only color coming from the crimson blood still flowing freely from so many cuts. Then his reflection spoke again, “you did touch her again…”
“I had too… there… there was no other way…”
“But you liked it… just like those Other men…”
“No I didn’t… I didn’t want to I…”
“You’re lying again.” For the first time Killian tried to block out the images in his dreams, tried to block out the words and force himself awake as he shook his head in his sleep. “You told her you wouldn’t lie to her… but then you told her you didn’t want to see her…”
“I don’t! I don’t want to see her…” but his reflection smirked, nothing like his normal smile there was something sinister about it.
“Stop lying, you know you want to see her, to touch her face.” Killian took a step back but the reflection took a step forward and out of the mirror. Killian was trembling both in his dream and out of it as he lie on his back sweating.
“What if I… what if I call her beautiful again? She is already so beautiful… but that would hurt her… I don’t want to hurt her…”
But the other him was walking closer staring him down through his gray hair, leaving foot prints of crimson blood in his wake, “but you do want to see her… you do want to touch her, hold her like you did the other night… admit it.”
“no.”
“stop deluding yourself and admit it.”
“no”
“Tell the truth!” his other self was yelling now barely inches from his face, Killian closed his eyes unable to look at him.
“I can’t… I… I love her.”

[E]

No other way? No other way for what? Apri was becoming confused again, although by now she found herself wondering if she could only hear half of what was going on. He didn’t want to… Didn’t want to what?

“Killian… Your dreaming…” she said softly, now wishing he would wake. His next words however, shocked her back into silence. ‘I don’t want to see her…’ her? Apri? Well she had already figured that one out the night before. It had hurt then and now she couldn’t help but wonder why. She was amazed as the answer to her question came spilling from his mouth.

Beautiful? Hurt her? Apricus? It… it almost made sense… out of everything he had said that night, this made sense. He didn’t want to hurt her. He’s said similar things to her in those promises before. Did he… Did he say that he did not want to see her because he was scared of hurting her? A silent tear found its path down her cheek as the back of her fingers found their way to his. He always hurts himself for her… why…

That answer came too, after so many denials, so many refusals he said those simple words that stole every last breath from the woman sitting next to him on his bed. ‘I can’t… I love her…’

Love? Was that… Was that why he made so many promises to her that only caused pain for himself? Was that why he always stepped in the way of those reaching hands? Was that… Was that why she felt so compelled to comfort him now? Did she… Did she love him?

Apri didn’t know what to say… she didn’t know what to do… She was lost.

[shawncameron]

“You love her? Do you even know what love is?” he was smirking again and Killian took another step back. “You push everyone away, mess everything up, you are going to do the same to her, whether you like it or not…”
“No I won’t.”
“Really?” that was all he said as he took a step back and to the side, where he once was now stood the faceless Apricus, her color lighting up the darkness, the gray reflection standing next to her.
“Apricus…”
“What about when it comes time for you to leave, Journeyman Harper?” the other Killian crossed his arms over his chest that evil smile dancing across his face, “you will have to leave… and you can’t take her with you, who knows how long you will be gone, mouths, turns, and you won’t even know what she looks like.” But Killian was not looking at himself anymore, but at her, she had no features but some how she knew she was smiling, “Killian, do you still want to sing that song with me?” but she was fading, her voice was growing quieter and Killian reached out.
“No don’t leave me!” in his room he reached one hand out above him.
“See!” his reflection shouted triumphantly, “even now you reach for her, pushing away with your desire for touch!”
“No!” he pulled his hand back brining it in to his chest.
“Admit it! You can’t lie to me.”
“No…” it was softer he was loosing his will,
“Admit it. You want to hold her.”
“I… I…”
“Is it really so bad? To want to hold the woman you say you love?”
“I do… I do want to hold her… to see her.” He had given up, he could not fight this man, this demon reflection.

[E]

Apri half listened now, lost in her own thoughts. As her name was spoken again, however, she couldn’t help but turn her eyes back to that dreaming man. Hearing him cry out for her not to leave and seeing his hand reach out, Apri froze wondering if he did, in fact, know she was there. Just as she opened her own fingers, thinking about reaching out to his searching ones, he yanked it back again with a harsh ‘no’. He really needed to make up his mind.

“Killian… It’s a dream…” she said softly again, though her mind kept wandering back to those words of love. A soft stutter left his lips, and Apri found herself pulled back to his words as he tried to form a sentence that it seemed he did not want to say. Hearing his words, she found her heart stopped.

He… he did want to see her?... But hadn’t he… Didn’t he… But if he loved her… He wanted to see her… The wound from last night found itself healing as Apri bit her lips together. He had lied to her again… but had done it to keep from hurting her… it all made so much sense now. He did want to see her but he was afraid of hurting her again.

Biting her lower lip, she let out a soft ‘shh’ as she reached out a gentle hand once again. This time, however, she did not place it lightly on his chest, but after gently touching the bare, scarred skin she pressed down a little so that he would feel the weight. Perhaps that was what he needed to calm down and fall out of the dream.

[shawncameron]

All was quiet as the other him took more steps back, retreating into the mirror and leaving Killian to stew in his own words. The Harper brought his arms up to his eyes, he could see here… in his dreams, but what he saw was not pleasant. His arms where bleeding, each cut flowing steadily down staining his white skin red.

Something seeped into the silence, breaking it, as soft “Shhhh” he could hear all around him, and then a pressure, on his chest. Killian looked down only to see the brown head of Apricus, her lovely hair hiding her featureless face as she leaned on him, like she had done before. His lips trembled and his hands shook as he lowered his arms only to wrap them around her, but not to touch… not yet.

In his room Killian had brought his hands to hover over those on his chest though he couldn’t know what they where. And then slowly he brought them down. His arms wrapped around her in his dream just as his hands touched hers in his room.

Color broke through the darkness, the very moment the skin of his arms connected with her in that embrace. A rainbow of colors suddenly made the grass green, the sky blue, and the few flowers purple and red. The cuts on his arms and chest closed and with a sigh Killian opened his eyes.